Okay, I never do this!

Except for how I seem to do this almost every week. But other than that, never.

I am just so worked up about this election/trial/protest/reality TV elimination that the only recourse I have is to rant on social media. Regardless of whether or not I have a handle on all the facts involved. Or whether or not I have a view that doesn’t contradict itself in several crucial ways.

Clearly whatever position I am ranting about is the correct one. Anyone who disagrees with my rant clearly favors having puppies farmed in order to turn them into bomb-proof undergarments for celebrity socialites. Who won’t wear them anyway.

Disagreeing with me means you side with the terrorists/Satan/Misguided Fools On The Wrong Side of History/Carrot Top. What’s your problem anyway? Why do you hate America/ starving orphans/ kittens/All That Is Right and True?

I am so relieved to be ranting this rant. I am the only person who could clearly express this rant in exactly this way. Except for the numerous other people ranting this exact thought in exactly this way. But other than that, it’s entirely up to me to deliver this rant. I feel like a better person already. I am probably going to become a viral sensation, because of how stirring and original I am being now.

I’m so lucky to be able to share these entirely original thoughts with you, my close friends/randos I met at a party/weird hangers on who can’t detach/literally anyone who knows how to access the internet. You really get me. You agree with the Rightness and Truth of my rant.

I feel sorry for those of you who don’t see the undeniable wisdom of my rant. Maybe you weren’t hugged enough as children? Or you’re addicted to gluten/glucose/genetically modified vegetables/dairy and it’s affecting your brain. So sad.

Clearly the world will read my rant and everyone will change their behavior immediately. Because of the sheer persuasive power of my rant. Clearly the world recognizes I am a humanitarian, because of all the times I’ve retweeted/reposted/forwarded that crucial post that went on to raise millions of dollars for the homeless/disaster victims/displaced migrant farmers/people who didn’t win The Bachelor. In ways that no one could ever explain or verify.

I am the best person because I have shared this rant with you.

I love you guys so much!!!1!!1!!

Unless you disagree with me. Then you can just enjoy Hell, puppy killer.

Author (Grievous Angels) and pop culture gadabout #amwriting

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